she loved him...

He's sleeping in my arms. 
His warm body snuggled up close. 
His heavy breathing is the only sound. 
I love my boy more than words can express. 
And the deeper I fall in love, the more I think about his birth mom.

Maybe it's because as he gets older and his personality really emerges I wonder - Does he get his dimple from her? Or his amazing sense of humor? Is she as outgoing as he is? Does her smile light up a room like his does? I find myself loving a woman I may never meet because I love the son she carried in her womb. The son she chose to give life to - she didn't have to, but she did and I love her for that. 

Maybe I think about her because I am grieving her loss - and his. It breaks my heart that he will someday know the broken parts of his story. My heart aches to think of the day he comprehends the details of his past. As a mom, I want to protect him from being hurt - protect him from the feelings and questions that will likely come. I long to find ways to speak of his birth mom with grace. To honor her even while speaking the truth about how he came to be a DeCarlo. 

Just recently I discovered that during the two and a half months Levi was with his birth mom she took him to the hospital - twice. I requested the records and though they say very little, they speak volumes. They speak of a young, concerned mother who took her newborn son to the E.R. because he was sick. She loved him. I can tell him without hesitation - "your momma loves you. She wanted you. She tried her very best to take care of you." I was overwhelmed by emotion when I realized how sweet the Lord was to give me this glimpse into his time with her and of her care for him. 
Thank you, Jesus! You are so good!

I may never know if his dimple comes from her. But I do know that she loved him. And for that, I love her even more.