two years ago....

Two years ago today our house was a little emptier. We had just lost our first foster placement - a sibling set. Our baby boy was just six weeks old when he came to us. A few short weeks later, his two year old sister joined our home. I thought I knew what I was doing. I had been a parent before - 3 times before actually. I really thought I knew what I was doing. 

Those first few weeks were overwhelming. Everything normal went out the window as we opened our home not only to these little ones, but also to social workers, their birth parents, and a whole host of medical appointments. I was not prepared for how emotionally drained I would feel - all day. I was not prepared to feel so "mama bear" about our little guy's doctor's visit that went so wrong. I was not prepared to feel so much love for their parents. I was not prepared to find myself praying for their reunification - when our hope was initially adopting. I was not prepared. 

And then, just seven short (I can say "short" now, but at the time the weeks felt very "long") weeks later, I packed up their stuff and they left. I wrote a little note to each of them and prayed over the boxes of stuff as I prepared to drive them to their new home. And I was happy and relieved and sad all at the same time. I was happy for them because they were going to a relative's. I was relieved because our house was quiet again. I was sad because I wish I had done it better. I wish I hadn't felt so weary and overwhelmed. I wish I had loved them harder. I was happy because we were able to walk through the reunification process with their parents and see a broken family restored. 

Two years ago today we took a trip - just us - to regroup and prepare for the next little one the Lord would bring to our home. Little did we know then that we would wait only 19 days before we would get to meet our next placement. We didn't know on February 5, 2011 that our son was being loved by an amazing foster family until he came to us. Our house was quiet, and we enjoyed it - but we were so ready to meet our son! 

And now we find ourselves a little too comfortable again. Levi has been with us for nearly 2 years now, He is a typical two year old boy. He's busy and loud and crazy. He's also funny and smart and a total love bug! We are all still totally smitten. And while I haven't forgotten the potential craziness that opening your heart and home to a foster child can bring, I want it. I want our home full of loud, busy, sweet, and broken babes who need to be loved fiercely by Jesus through me. 

Last night we went to the adoption support group hosted by our foster agency. I love being there with other foster/adoptive families who understand - sometimes without a word. I love that friends can say, "we're going on the open bed list" and the rest of the group cheers, knowing that another little one will be safe and loved. I love that another mama can share her real feelings of doubt and inadequacy and we all understand cause we've all been there too. I love this crazy world we're in. So, today I say, "bring on the craziness, Lord." Our house wasn't meant to be quiet. Our lives weren't meant to be comfortable. A few weeks ago our pastor said this from the pulpit (it continues to cross my mind and still strikes my heart today), "Tiredness and inconvenience are not longer excuses not to serve. When we demand that our lives and our service are "comfortable" and on our timeline, we miss the miracles of God." 

I don't want to miss His miracles. 

Bring on the craziness, Lord!